1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do fordead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made tohave non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. Inrare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral shouldbe scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now astrict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of threeminutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, thestall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in thepicture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, sothat they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced mealto maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the timeneeded to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide apositive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternationand input should be directed elsewhere.
* Pass this on to all who are still employed!